Shattered Trust: The True Cost of Pornography

Posted by markj - August 24, 2013 - Addiction Stories - 13 Comments
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Contributed by “shattered”

I have recently discovered the extent to which my husband is watching and using porn.

I had always assumed he was an occasional user, but after several instances of arriving home early unannounced and getting up late at night unexpectedly, I began to see that I’d underestimated the scope of his problem. On these occasions I have found, time after time, a husband who is sitting nervously at his laptop, staring at the homepage with nothing on the screen. He has turned off the volume as well, and a room full of guilt just hangs in the air between us. The haunting mystery that has plagued my marriage is finally solved.

Throughout our two years of marriage, which have been marked with rejection, humiliation, loss of self-esteem, denial, sexual frustration, lies, secrets, and a sadness beyond anything I can begin to explain here, my attempts at understanding and uncovering the truth have simply been met with more lies and denial. I have done everything in my power to talk with him. I have suggested doctors, and different ways of coming together sexually. I have tried everything to build his trust and let him know that his deepest secrets would be safe with me. I’ve done all I could to find some way for us to be together. Despite my best efforts, nothing has changed.

Now what am I to do, as a woman? I can no longer operate happily in my marriage, knowing the truth about my husband, and at 47 years of age, I am not about to learn the art of knitting to keep my hands and mind busy. I can only think of one solution that will save my sanity.

In the next couple of months, I will be arranging plane tickets to fly home to my family and cut all ties with this life. My husband will arrive home from work and find that I’ve gone, and taken all of my belongings with me. He will be totally devastated. This will not be a happy ending, and I cringe for him today, as the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt him in any way. I still love him…but I love my life more. By the time he realizes I am gone, I will be on a plane headed for the other side of the world, never to return.

Porn is thrilling, as the ‘other woman’ is available in any shape, color and size you desire. She will do anything you ask of her, any time of the day or night. She will perform all the tricks you wouldn’t normally ask your wife to perform, and allow you to watch from a safe distance with minimal shame involved. You can switch her off and return to her at your convenience. You don’t even need to shower or dress respectably before you approach her.

If you hope to receive anything of true worth in this world, though, you must first put forth some degree of effort. You do not get the woman of your dreams, sprawled naked across your bed, unless you are also the man of her dreams. Sadly, my husband will have to settle for the ‘other women’ of his dreams.

13 comments

  • Seamus says:

    Thank you so much for your honesty, Porn is a killer of mind and spirit, It nearly killed me, Thank God i got help and to-day I see the harm it does to good people like you are your husband, He is not a bad man, the porn made him sick, Sending you both my prayers , May Go guide you on your journey , Please God your husband will find peace;.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 37 Thumb down 0

  • Lanie says:

    As a woman who has been in a marriage going on 17 years now with 3 kids with a man who has this issue… If you have no children with him and your marriage is only 2 years… and he has no desire to do anything. RUN.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 3

  • I too know your pain and sadness as my husband has also been chained by pornography. To the point where he’s been jailed because of it and is possibly loosing his job over it. It has been 12 years in the making during our marriage and as I’m coming to find out, even before we got married. It might seem impossible, but with God’s help, an Addiction Recovery Program and sincere repentance, it is a battle that can be overcome. It is not easy and he or she, as women too can be addicted as well, have to want to change. It usually doesn’t happen until they hit rock bottom. God will strengthen you and sustain you, but do what’s right for you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  • Kristin says:

    I truly admire your strength to leave. Something I should have done years ago. Thankfully my husband has changed, but sadly it took our entire family hitting rock bottom because of his addiction.

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  • Melissa says:

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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    • LH says:

      Did you not read the article? She tried all of that. You tell her not to judge, and then you turn around and judge her for an act she felt she had to take to preserve her sanity.

      I am happy for you that you found a solution that works for you. Give others the grace to do that, as well.

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  • Conroy says:

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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  • Angel says:

    What beautiful writing for such a horrible circumstance. I love the image you painted here: ” … a room full of guilt just hangs in the air between us.” I read that and I knew. I remembered that feeling. You captured it so perfectly.

    I remember being on that flight. Mine was almost two years ago. He didn’t know I was leaving either. We had been married for ten years. I knew about the addiction for nine. By the time I left, the addiction had graduated from the screen to real life, and he was sleeping with a married woman. Stepping on the plane was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I am wishing you peace, confidence, and as much clarity of mind as is possible at this point. Take care, okay?

    I hope you’ll come visit my blog sometime. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I left. Here is a link to my first couple posts: “We flew away” and “Brave”: http://healingatheavensfountain.blogspot.com/2012_02_01_archive.html. I’d love to hear from you if you ever need a listening ear.

    Hang in there. ;)

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  • zeriam says:

    I teared up reading this. I’ve been in many relationships throughout my life, but then I fell in love deeper than I ever had. We weren’t married, just unofficially engaged. The sex stopped, he lied and lied, saying he has a low libido – come to find out he had a normal one for porn. Thats where the libido went. I crashed emotionally. I hated my reflection in the mirror, I gave up on ever finding a soulmate.. It felt like all my life I’d waited to fall in love this way and he trashed it in exchange for porn. What about my fulfillment? As you said, its about your life, like its about my life.. mine. I chose mine too. We are too young to take up knitting. I met someone whos not into porn and we enjoy each other so intensely. I would never commit to a man who uses porn again after what I endured.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  • nima says:

    give him an ultimatum… leave it or I leave you. There are three killers to a marriage. 10 communication .2) finances .3) sex (its more than just the act, its holding hands, kissing, snuggling, etc). If you have 2 of the three your marriage can survive. Let him know you will leave. pack your bags and if he doesn’t change and get help… then leave.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  • Dianne says:

    I am in this situation right now…
    Married for 20 yrs next month, have been fighting this for 5 yrs.
    He had a major ‘slip’ last Wed. and I said we’re both going to counseling with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addict Therapist) or else, period.
    The appointment is Sat. and I hope it makes a difference, because I’m a ‘stay-at-home-mom’ and unemployed outside the home. Leaving, or making him leave would mean that I have no income.
    Rock & a hard place. It really sucks!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  • Andy says:

    Your husband has been careless and weak, it’s true. But there is a good reason he doesn’t share his fantasies and deepest secrets with you. If he’s wired like many men, his fantasy is very common but not easily shared with a partner.

    To put it frankly, he wants to have an endless parade of meaningless sex with a variety of women who look like movie stars, college students, tennis pros, and like that cute cashier at Starbucks. He may not actually want to live this out in real life, but his libido bids him to at least fantasize about it. And having porn easily in reach is like an alcoholic having a stash of booze.

    You may think this makes him a horrible pervert, and I’m sure he is riddled with guilt about his feelings. But the reality is that more men are wired this way than are not. Your husband is not a pervert, instead he is a typical testosterone driven human. This is just part of the male instinct which has propelled our species along. Some men are simply more tactful about it or better at suppressing it.

    If he has this instinct, why is he in a relationship with you and concealing this fact? He probably does also really care for you and wants to be with you. But he knows that having this relationship requires limiting his impulses. He knows that being open about these desires is a path not only to singleness but to being a social outcast.

    He’s learned from a young age to suppress and conceal these things. He’s not lying to you specifically; he’s been lying to everyone his entire life about this. That’s how men get by and how society functions. It’s not entirely a bad thing. When men get their change from that cute Starbucks cashier, this is why they say “thank you” rather than spouting the vulgar thoughts which fill their heads.

    This doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you. It probably would make little difference if you were the most attractive woman on earth. Once the newness of a partner fades, no matter how great she may be, these desires inevitably surface.

    How you react to this fact is ultimately your choice. It sounds like this is far from the only issue in the relationship. (If that’s the case, have you tried addressing those things directly, rather than assuming all problems stem from porn?) You can leave him, and hope to find another partner who is better at suppressing his impulses, or maybe just better at lying about it.

    Or, you can accept this is a common part of being a man, and try to let go of this issue. You might still confront him and tell him you don’t want to see it, you don’t want to know about it, and he’d better get smarter when he does it. But are you really going to leave him for where his mind wanders when you’re not around? If you stay or if you leave, wouldn’t it be better to base that on what he does when you are there?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

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